


Yearn on

by oddishly



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-12-03 02:22:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11522541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oddishly/pseuds/oddishly
Summary: I want you to feel the unbearable lack of me.





	Yearn on

**Author's Note:**

> This didn't turn out quite how I thought it would, but I like it anyway. Title and summary from the poem of the same name by Katie Donovan.

The problem, Merlin decides, is that he let Arthur's body drift before Arthur himself was dead.

He spends some time inspecting this thought before mentioning it to anyone else. Merlin is coping with his loss as well as anyone might reasonably expect the king's manservant to cope with the loss of the king, it's been weeks and he's _up and about_ and helping Gaius and the queen and magic is slowly being reincorporated into society and Merlin hasn't burnt every inch of Camelot to the ground for reminding him every moment of every day of Arthur, and Merlin might not be quite the same person as he was before, yet, but he thinks that that is reasonably to be expected, too--

"I think," says Merlin to his bowl of porridge, some mornings after coming to his decision, "I should have stayed with Arthur longer." If he had waited then, held Arthur's hand in his as it grew cold or laid his fingers gently against Arthur's mouth until there was no breath left to feel, maybe Merlin could stop waiting now.

There is a long second of silence before Gaius puts his own spoon down. "What do you mean?"

"I could have waited longer. I should have."

"Waited for--"

"Him to be dead," says Merlin.

Gaius says something else but Merlin isn't listening, thinking about how he would have known, how long he would have needed to wait with his ear pressed as close to Arthur's heart as he could to be sure, to be certain that there was no more life in him, and he is a little surprised to find himself in his bed a while later, birdsong lilting through the open window.

He tells the queen next, some time after, thinking that out of everyone he wants to tell about his realisation, she at the very least deserves an apology.

Gwen looks at her hands while Merlin is speaking. When he's done she turns to her other side and says, "Leon, could you and the knights wait for me outside?"

"My lady," says Leon in assent. Merlin startles at the brief hand on his shoulder as he and the rest of the knights file out and away.

"Merlin," says Gwen once they're alone, and lays her hand on top of his. Merlin looks up and finds her eyes full of tears, then realises that so are his. 

Gwen says, "It's not your fault," and, "I miss him, too--you know I do," and tightens her fingers so much that it hurts as she continues, "But he's dea--"

 _What if he's not_ , thinks Merlin, and says, "I know," because he doesn't want to scare her.

He lets Leon seek him out and talk about what Arthur would have wanted, lets Percival spend long, quiet hours with him in the early morning, helps the junior knights with their armour and takes long detours to avoid walking by the stocks, and doesn't talk about his mistake again until a whole year has passed and Gaius is calling him into the room for breakfast in the morning.

He blinks a bit when Merlin comes out of his bedroom fully-dressed. "If I'd known you were awake, Merlin, I'd have cooked something up earlier. Come and sit down, your food is hot."

"Thank you, Gaius," says Merlin. "But I think it's time for me to leave. Just a for a little while."

Gaius puts down the bowl in surprise. "Leave? Where?"

Merlin has learnt his lesson. He shrugs a little bit, quirks his mouth, and lets Gaius work it out for himself. When he's sure Gaius understands, Merlin says, “I’ll be back soon.”

 

 

Still traipsing through the forest four days later, Merlin is thinking about stopping and sitting and waiting at the lake until he doesn't need to anymore. He's going to put his feet in the water and wait for Arthur to swim up and yank at his ankles, dragging him all the way in, or until Merlin is clear that that’s not going to happen.

He arrives in the late afternoon, the sun blazing in a clear sky, and plants himself down on the shore, a little way beyond the sandy patch he let Arthur go from last time. He doesn’t know how many times he’s going to have to do this, and he wants to make this first time as easy on himself as he can. The water laps across his toes, nice and cool after his long walk.

Merlin thinks about everything he wants Arthur to know about that he’s missed over the year, considers brushing over how much he misses Arthur and in how many ways and quickly decides that that would be disingenuous, and coughs against the thought that Arthur might not hear it yet anyway. He could trawl the lake, coming up for breath and diving down with both eyes open, ready to breathe life into Arthur from his own lungs. Or stay there with him until he’s ready to come back.

Merlin waits instead for the sun to go down before pulling his boots back on. He stands, looking out to the far edge of the water. “I miss you,” he says, because for now it’s all he can manage. Then, “You prat,” to make Arthur laugh.

 _Not yet_ , he thinks, letting sorrow fill all the spaces between his ribs. He looks out across the water again and says, “I’ll come back again.” Readying himself again for the return.


End file.
